Why Must I Be A Crustacean In Love? (Futurama)

This brought me some humourous reprieve from statistical drudgery. It may not work well without the visuals, but try it anyway. Here's the transcript:

(Background: Dr. Zoidberg has come to an island to mate but keeps getting shot down. Fry said he is willing to coach him)

Zoidberg: Hmm, this "love" intrigues me. Teach me to fake it.

[Scene: Ship's Rec Room. Fry has set up the room to look like a classroom. On a board at the front he has written "First Date: Champagne, Flowers, Lame Conversation." Zoidberg sits at a desk ready to learn.]

Fry: OK, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?

Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me.

Fry: No. Tell her she's special.

Zoidberg: But she's not. She's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs.

Fry: Well, tell her that. And then?

Zoidberg: Then mating.

Fry: No. Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. [Zoidberg raises his hand.] Yes?

Zoidberg: Is desire to mate a feeling?

Fry: You're not even trying!

[Zoidberg buries his head in his claws and groans.]

Zoidberg: It's all so complicated with the flowers and the romance and the lies upon lies.

Fry: OK OK, don't worry. The love meister will take you under his wing.

Zoidberg: What? Now there's a bird involved?

[Scene: Outside Edna's Apartment Building. Zoidberg stands outside the sand building and Fry hides under a giant shell with his back to the building.]

Fry: OK, go ahead.

[Zoidberg throws an octopus at Edna's French window. She opens it and walks out onto the balcony.]

Edna: What the? Dr Zoidberg. Your mating display failed. Why are you trying to talk to me?

[Zoidberg shrugs.]

Zoidberg: (shouting) I have no idea.

Fry: (whispering) You just wanna talk, it has nothing to do with mating.

Zoidberg: (shouting) I just wanna talk, it has nothing to do with mating. (whispering) Fry that doesn't make sense.

Edna: Dr Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense. But OK.

Fry: (whispering) Start with a compliment. Tell her she looks thin.

Zoidberg: (shouting) You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites?

Edna: Why yes. Thanks for noticing.

Fry: (whispering) Now ask her how her day was.

Zoidberg: Why would I wanna know?

Fry: (whispering) You wouldn't. Ask anyway.

Zoidberg: (shouting) How was your day?

Edna: Well first I got up and had a piece of toast. Then I brushed my teeth. Then I went to the store to buy some fish. Then...

Zoidberg: Fry look what you did, she won't shut up.

Fry: (whispering) That's normal. Just nod your head and say "Uh-huh."

Zoidberg [nodding]: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Edna: ...And then you threw an octopus at my window. You know Zoidberg, it's crazy but, when you talk this way your obvious deficiencies as a male seem...less obvious. Your genes seem less detrimental. [She sniffs.] You even stink more!

[Zoidberg looks at Fry.]

Zoidberg: Do I ask her to mate now?

Fry: (whispering) Third date!